Lord William Daft

On occasion I have been known to cast a friendly glance at our brethren who choose the simple life of a traveller.

Well, the other day these chaps, Ginger, Ed and Will trespassed onto my vast country estate singing ditties in the traditional English folk style. It is my wont to take a 12 bore to these traveling tinker types, and send them on their merrie way with shrapnel in their behind.

However, I took to their simple ways. They did not have a coin between them and instead relied on their vocal chords and ingenuity to get by.

I have always admired the plucky spirit of an Englishman and I saw in these chaps a stout heart and an intrepid nature that inspired me. Not only did I order the servants to give them a sandwich and a jug of ale, but I ordered the labourers, servants and gardeners to take a leaf out of their books and leave their tenanted accommodation and live off the land.

I will then be able to rent their simple cottages out to borgeois holiday makers and everybody will rejoice in my benevolent nature.

If you would like to hear some of these chaps ditties, then you may by pressing this bell.

I have been alerted to the fact that the cad and bounder, Austin, is neglecting his duties at home. His fragrant wife has advised me as much via telegram.

As previously scribed, Austin is one of those unfortunate fellows who works for a living.

He was born into a bourgeois family of moderate means and was sent out to earn a crust whilst still in shorts. You may question how I know such a chap. Well, he managed to bluff his way into the Kodswallop Club where he became a star turn; always ready with a quick jape and his taste for ladies bonnets always raised a chuckle amongst the members.

Austin has remained loyal to the Kodswallop Club, even after I was blackballed for my fey indolence. However, it seems that they are demanding much from him and he is little at home.

So I write this missive in the hope that Austin shall return homeward and attend to his charming Lady. These late nights and long hours do a chap no good. It causes one to lose one’s hair and get ghastly wrinkles. It also leaves less time for a drop or two of the fine stuff.

A while ago, we indulged our colonial children from across the pond, and permitted them a degree of self rule.

This was against our better judgement, but in the spirit of paternalism we ruling classes felt that the Americans could be trusted to have a degree of autonomy.

We have tolerated their mistakes and their occasional petulance: their adolescent punch up of 1812 with the loyalists across the 49th Parallel; their tardy entry into various wars; and their obsession with insipid meat products wrapped in a bun.

However, eight years ago, they seemed to forget their feudal obligations and elect a half wit to run them. It made me wonder why they had got rid of Good King George all those years ago.

My learned colleagues in the Lords were forced to down our port and approach the real chap who runs America, our Queen’s representative the Governor General, and urge him to do something. The GG has said that it is not too easy to sway these colonial whippersnappers without a little tantrum and some attempt to pretend that they have independent thought from their masters in London. 

Lessons needed to be learnt and I am pleased to report that today they have taken our counsel and elected a Jolly Good Fellow to the White House.

It is always immensely gratifying to see our Colonial Children come to heel and learn from their mistakes. Let us hope that this is the end of it and no more shall they have the pretence of “knowing better.” Henceforth, shall they take their master’s advice and defer to England.

Hurrah